There are some big words and concepts that explain the complexities, like patriarchal motherhood, the social construct of motherhood, intensive mothering ideology, social conditioning. But I’ll simply say – we are told by society how our infants “should” be sleeping, not based on what is biologically normal, but based on social expectations. Our culture places independence and separation on a pedestal and we’re given gold stars when we meet these requirements – we’ll be rewarded a BIG gold star when our child sleeps through the night, and therefore sleep training is often seen as a rite of passage for a parent in order to achieve this milestone.
There is a huge disconnect between our society’s expectations of us and our children, and what babies and parents actually need and what’s actually normal. It is because of this disconnect and our busy culture’s obsession with control and doing ‘all the things’, that we feel as though we need to get our babies on a sleep schedule and to sleep through the night.
There is a huge disconnect between our society’s expectations of us and our children, and what babies and parents actually need and what’s actually normal.
I know you’re exhausted and tired of waking up for the umpteenth time every night, so how can we get past this niggling feeling that we need to ‘do something’ about our little one’s sleep?
First, understand what is biologically normal when it comes to baby and toddler sleep – when we take away the fear of not knowing what it’s meant to look like, the fear is replaced with empowered knowledge. Second, lower your expectations and understand that what society values doesn’t determine your worth, or that of your child – let’s work together to take ‘sleeping through the night’ off the pedestal. Third, know that your baby’s sleep (or your lack of) is not a reflection of your parenting ability. Finally, and most importantly, tune into your baby – in a tech-driven world, we are sold apps and books that tell us what our babies need to be doing, which creates a deeper disconnect and tempts us to rely on the knowledge of someone else. You and your baby have all the knowledge you need, so slow things down, observe, and do what feels right.
Sarah is a Baby-Led Sleep and Wellbeing Specialist, supporting parents of babies and toddlers to get more sleep, holistically and without sleep training. With a focus on attachment and the connection between parent and child, the approach of her work is based on biologically normal infant sleep and provides solutions which are developmentally appropriate and individually tailored to each unique baby and family. Also an advocate for supporting a mother’s matrescence, Sarah is passionate about helping mums understand the social and cultural constructs which impact their journey. Sarah is an Australian mum, providing virtual consults to families worldwide: you can find her on Instagram @blossomandsnooze and you can book 1:1 support or join her monthly membership for sleep & motherhood support on her website www.blossomandsnooze.com