Outside of these areas, I firmly believe you have to offer your child the choice, explain the choice if they are capable of understanding, outline what you would like and why, and then allow the chips to fall as they may. You may not always get what you want, just as I’m sure you have disappointed others with your choices, but this is part of respecting your child as his or her own person and allowing them to grown and learn they are valued.
How do you use commands?
This probably seems weird – you command, right? Well, not really. How you deliver a command can have a huge impact on how your child interprets it.
The keys to respectful commands are: be calm, explain, and offer choices within.
Yelling, threatening, or otherwise disrespectful speech is, inherently, disrespectful. (One obvious caveat is if you need to yell a distance over a safety concern to ensure your child hears you.) There is no room for this in any respectful relationship. Being calm and telling a child what needs to happen reflects that this is just something that really does need to happen. You aren’t berating them or making them feel poorly about themselves and thus the command can come across as intended – not a personal attack, but a statement of fact of something that needs to happen.
Explaining the why is quite important, especially for older children, but it helps to get in the habit with younger ones too. When you tell a child to clean up, explaining that the space is for everyone’s use and their mess is interfering with everyone else’s ability to use it makes clear that the issue is one of respect, not obedience. (Similarly, be open to your child asking you to clean up or do something to help them enjoy spaces too. If you refuse or balk at their requests, you are setting the stage for them to copy you and do the same.)
And as with most things in life, offering choices within a command often helps to show the child that you are still respecting them. For the diaper change example, you may ask the child what toy they want to hold while they get their diaper changed. For cleaning, you may want to offer times to do it if your child is engaged with something else. The choices also give a sense of control to your child and as humans, we all want to have some agency over our actions, so the more we can provide that for them, the better.
What if you accidentally use a request?
Well, if your child accepts, breathe and move on. If they don’t, I recommend accepting it for a time being then waiting to issue the command the next time. This may be as early as 5 minutes if it’s something to do with wellbeing (like the diaper change) or may be as long as a few hours if it’s not urgent.
The key is to realise that you’ve made the mistake, not your child, and reflect on how you can be respectful to their opinion and then change your behaviour for the next time.
What if my child refuses?
Let’s be honest – a child doesn’t need a request to say no. They can equally say no to a command as well, no matter how kindly phrased it is. Too often, I see this turn into power battles because parents are now told their child is being “defiant”. There are a few things you should be looking at when you face this (immediate safety concerns aside):
- What frame of mind is your child in? If he or she is tired, hungry, upset, lonely, or angry then they may say no because of that. Make sure your child isn’t experiencing any of these emotions when speaking to your them. If you know something in this list is at play, address that first, it is far more important.
- Is your child feeling connected? This goes a bit towards the “lonely” above, but in more depth. If your child doesn’t feel connected with you (and they need a lot of love to feel this), then they are more likely to refuse anything. Viewing refusal as a cry for connection is one of the safest bets you can make.
- Is there an underlying issue? This probably speaks more to the respect or social elements over safety, but sometimes something else is going on and we see a reflection with refusals. For example, a child who doesn’t want to clean may feel like he or she doesn’t have control at home and so exploring ways to make that happen is important. A child who doesn’t want to go to school may be struggling in ways and not opening up about it. You need to view refusal as a signal, not an end-behaviour.
- How have you responded to compliance in the past? Sometimes it’s just that we don’t show our appreciation enough. A child who cleans and gets no response or perhaps a “finally” isn’t going to feel good about doing it. Making the time to thank the child and tell him or her that it means something to you that they did it means they are more likely to help out in the future.
Respect doesn’t mean requests, but it does mean an overall tone that tells your child how much you value them. Make your focus about your connection and how you approach these interactions and you will likely find that respect becomes a part of your family style very quickly.
Originally published here.
Tracy Cassels, PhD is the Director of Evolutionary Parenting, a science-based, attachment-oriented resource for families on a variety of parenting issues. In addition to her online resources, she offers one-on-one support to families around the world and is regularly asked to speak on a variety of issues from sleep to tantrums at conferences and in the media. She lives in Prince Edward County, Ontario, Canada with her husband and two children.
