When I empathize, I know it is my child’s problem, and when I don’t take the responsibility to fix it, I am much better able to help my child with his problem. Once we connect on the emotional level and he trusts that I know how he feels, I can then ask questions and offer suggestions that help him figure out what he would like to do about it. But the focus is on helping him handle it the way he thinks is best, the way he can.
When I take responsibility for the problem, I am likely to tell him what to do about it-again, it’s about me and my “rightness”. “You need to tell him that you don’t like to be talked to like that. Ask him how he would feel if he got called that. Tell him you won’t invite him to your party if he’s going to treat you like that.” It’s about me projecting myself into the situation and telling my child to fix it like I would.
Empathy does not mean you agree with your child. She might have an issue with her sibling and scream at you, “You always let him have his way. You always get mad at me. It’s not fair!” A typical response might be, “That is not true. Just yesterday I took you for new shoes.” That is a reasoning response which denies your child’s feelings. A better one is, “That’s got to be be so hard to think that I give him his way. Of course you think that’s unfair.” You have now made emotional connection. Then, “I’m going to pay better attention to that and I’d like you to tell me whenever you feel that way.” This is true empathy. It says given your circumstance and who you are, I can completely understand why you feel that way you do. It is not saying I agree with you.
Having good boundaries with your children means allowing them to take responsibility for their problems and working toward finding good solutions that work for both of you.
When I jump in the hole with my child in order to experience his pain, I am in my own pain and not in the best position to help. I now expect my child to appreciate the sacrifice I have made to jump in the hole with him. When I leave my child with his pain and go off to get the ladder, I give him a tool to help him solve his own problem.
Bonnie Harris is the director of Connective Parenting. She has been a parenting specialist for 30 years, is an international speaker, teacher and coach/counselor. Bonnie has written two books: “When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It” and “Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With“. Visit her website: www.bonnieharris.com and follow Connective Parenting on Facebook.
