Losing You

By Emma Heaphy

Ashamed, 
Helpless, 
Broken, 
This is how I felt. 

Frustration, 
Guilt, 
Pain, 
This is what I lived. 

Cried, 
Cursed, 
Hid, 
This is how I reacted. 

Why me? 
Why now? 
Why at all? 
This is what I asked. 

I have failed, 
I should have done it differently, 
I am to blame, 
This is what I convinced myself. 

It wasn’t meant to be, 
It’s not your fault, 
At least it happened early, 
This is what everyone said. 

I was pregnant with number two,  
I got to 8 weeks, 
There was no heartbeat, 
This is what happened. 

It was with huge excitement that Mark, Lottie and I attended my dating scan on 26 November 2019. I was starting to show and felt pregnant in all respects. I was ready, I was excited and I was prepared (or so I thought).

We had been here before, we knew the drill, there was nothing to worry about (or so I thought).

It started off well. There it was. A little baby moving inside the sack on the screen. I could now believe it. It was real. It was happening (or so I thought).  

What followed was something you never prepare yourself for. I’m talking about the fateful six words, “I’m sorry. There is no heartbeat”. You read the articles, you hear the stories, but until it happens to you, you never consider it being your reality. Upon receipt of the news, I was shocked. I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t part of the plan. 

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