This photo makes me happy and sad. Happy because look at my lovely little son. So cute!
Sad because I notice the grey bands on my wrists. Two years ago I was pregnant. It felt very different to my previous four pregnancies (two sadly miscarried).
Straight away at four weeks I became very sick with morning sickness. Very soon after I had severe anxiety. It lasted hours all day rather than panic attacks which usually last up to 30 minutes.
My body ached from the tension. I sought help from a counsellor who couldn’t figure out why my body was reacting like this. She told me that it was not normal to be in a constant state of pain with panic attacks lasting hours upon hours. It seemed more physical than mental.
It was around this time that I got to my lowest. I made an appointment with my GP and asked about abortion. For me – I would personally never consider abortion. It’s my beliefs and I would not consider it an option for me. I also suffer from infertility and it took years and thousands of dollars to have our boys. This baby was a desperately wanted miracle!
So to be sitting in a doctor’s office with tears absolutely streaming down my face, feeling very confused and broken because for the last four weeks my body has been in absolute agony in a constant state of adrenaline rush and anxiety – this just shows how bad it was.
Thankfully my doctor was incredible and could see just how conflicted I was. She helped me seek help through further counselling and meditation for the panic attacks.
One week later I started to bleed at church at nine weeks pregnant. Panicked, we dropped off our boys at Nana and Grandad’s and drove to the hospital. There was no ultrasound tech on a Sunday but the gynaecologist had a look anyway. She was unsure about what she saw but said we weren’t having a miscarriage. An appointment was made for the next day.
Monday morning I head to the ultrasound appointment with my toddler tagging along. The technician needed a second opinion and then the supervisor to come and look. Something wasn’t right. The gynaecologist appointment afterwards tells me why.
I was having a molar pregnancy. Two sperm fertilised one egg resulting in three sets of DNA rather than only two (one from mum and one from dad normally). Rather rare and they’d only had one molar pregnancy case in the last six years in Marlborough.