Nurturing your Child – and Your Relationship

Small things often 

There is another way. Noted relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman talk about “small things often” as the key to successful relationships. When you find yourself feeling resentful, remind yourself of why you fell in love with the other person and act on it. 

A quick shoulder rub, a brief hug, even just a smile and an “I love you” done several times a day goes a long way towards nurturing a loving relationship. Instead of criticising your partner for leaving clothes on the floor – again – pause, take a breath and thank her for changing the baby’s diaper without being asked (oh, and by the way, could you throw those clothes in the hamper?). 

Figuring out you and your partner’s love language(s) helps enhance the effect of these small gestures. Does your partner feel more loved if you tell him he is a great dad or if you two just spend time together? Give her a hug or bring her a glass of water? Maybe they love receiving a little gift, like a chocolate bar or some flowers from the garden? 

Regardless of their primary love language, a meal out or coffee with your partner is always a good way to connect, as long as the birthing parent isn’t worried about their child crying at home without them.

What about going for a walk in your favourite neighbourhood around naptime with baby or toddler in a soft carrier, stroller or pram? When your child falls asleep, you can stop to get a drink or a snack outside (one benefit of these pandemic times) or even bring your own picnic and thermos. Even if baby don’t nap, take the time for (semi) uninterrupted conversation.

What about sex? 

Finding a place and time for intimacy often requires planning and preparation – spontaneity tends to take a back seat for a while. Babies and toddlers have a knack for waking up just as parents are sneaking off for a little time together. Plus, limiting sex to the master bedroom at bedtime is boring!

Let baby get used to a sitter or relative while you chat during a few visits – once baby or toddler is comfortable with the caregiver, you can send them off for a nice, long walk while you two get busy. If you spend time with other families, your child may soon be familiar enough with their home that you can drop them off for an hour or two. 

If you really want a weekend away, bring your child with you – plus a sitter! A trusted friend or relative may be happy to tag along and can spend time with baby or toddler while you two have time alone, just as long as you are back for bedtime. This can also work well for weddings and other events – caregiver takes bubs for a walk or playtime, bringing them back when it’s time to nurse. 

Just remember that patience and compromise are essential. Baby may be experiencing separation anxiety or one partner may not feel up to it or one of you may need to take matters into your own hands, so to speak.

The exhaustion that come with child raising is a particular libido killer – cleaning the kitchen or doing the laundry is sometimes the best foreplay! 

Stay connected even when there’s conflict 

Will all this guarantee a happy, peaceful relationship free of strife? Of course not. Arguments will still happen – they just won’t come from a place of simmering anger and resentment that hovers just beneath the surface of your daily lives. 

The Gottman’s book, And Baby Makes Three, is essential reading after the birth of a baby, outlining ways to handle conflict and stay connected as a couple. There are even Bringing Baby Home workshops available based on the Gottman approach – some available online. 

If your partner refuses to discuss compromises and insists you choose them over the baby, it might be time to pursue couples counselling. The Gottman Institute website has a directory of therapists – it’s is a good place to start looking for a counsellor who understands how to balance a couple’s needs with those of their children.

Babies need happy, loving caregivers, whether they are raised by a single parent, a couple or in another family structure. There are ways to stay connected even when your child is at their neediest – it just takes a little creativity. Remember that kids are only little for a short time, even though it can seem like forever some days. You will have time alone again – and will miss those baby snuggles!


Originally published here.

Mary Francell is a board certified lactation consultant (IBCLC) in private practice in Washington state, USA. She and her husband are the parents of three grown children. Mary founded and administers the Biologically Normal Infant Sleep group on Facebook and is an occasional guest host on the Untaming podcast. She has been a La Leche League Leader for over 25 years and currently serves as the Associate Area Professional Liaison for LLL of Washington state. Find out more on her website whatdobabiesneed.com and follow her on Facebook.

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