We might be morally opposed to lying, as we should be, but we can also see it as a milestone on the path to raising an empathic, compassionate child.
Children also lie to avoid punishment. If a child knows he will be shamed or spanked as a result of a behavior, he is more likely to lie to cover his own behind, literally.
Some children lie simply because the line between fantasy and reality remains slightly blurred. Children with vivid imaginations tend to lie about benign facts, and often they begin to believe their own tales. These aren’t intentional lies, simply ones born from a colorful inner world.
What to Do When Your Child Lies
When my son lied to me about harming the dog, I set him up for it. I asked him a direct question about what happened even though I already knew the answer. A more productive response to the scene would have been to say, “I saw that you just hurt and scared Zuma. Can you tell me what happened?” This response would have opened up a dialogue about the behavior without compounding the issue with the addition of a lie.
Had I used an inquisitive tone rather than an accusatory one, he probably would have felt safe talking to me about what happened and collaborating with me to solve the problem. When we create an environment where it is safe to be honest, and in fact where we vocalize our strong preference for it despite the situation, our children are more inclined to tell the truth. This means avoiding punishments like spanking, shaming and timeouts even when boundaries and consequences are necessary and appropriate (for example, keeping a young boy and the family dog separated unless supervised).
Theory of mind, and the capacity it gives us to take the perspective of others, is an exciting milestone in any child’s development. And with it comes the ability to lie. While our children are apt to experiment with this new skill, we can avoid seeing a catastrophe where none exists and instead celebrate their heightened capacity to empathize with others.
Megan Stonelake is a therapist and parent coach who teaches parents all over the world how to become more peaceful. She has written extensively on peaceful parenting for Parent.co, Hey Sigmund, and The Huffington Post among others. You can follow her blog or schedule a session at her website. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
Wonderfully refreshing and compassionate perspective. Thank you Megan!