The baby would have died early on and was then overcome by a rapidly developing mass which can become cancerous. There was no heartbeat by this stage.
The uterus grows abnormally quickly (which explains why my belly was already looking five months pregnant) and your body is flooded with very high (nearly triple!) amounts of HCG (pregnancy hormone) and thyroid issues develop. This was why I was suffering from acute anxiety, massive adrenaline surges lasting hours, pain throughout my body due to the constant state of tension in my muscles. Heart palpitations, shaking, sweat.
It was awful.
It was decided that I needed an urgent D&C surgery to remove the deceased baby and the growing mass. We were heartbroken to have lost our third child during pregnancy. We had two healthy boys yet we felt the loss deeply. The day of the surgery was awful. Surgery went well as far as surgeries go. I was a mental wreck.
One of the hardest things was knowing that while it was awful to lose our child, I had to continue to confront it for months to come. Due to the possible cancerous growth which can grow back, I had to have weekly blood tests for six months and then monthly blood tests for the following six months to make sure I didn’t develop cancer. Each Friday I would head down to the hospital and have blood taken and wait the weekend for the results.
It was made even harder by the fact that I had watched my Dad go through his cancer treatment for two years previous and wondering if that would soon be me. That was the most terrifying. I had many conversations with him during those months and his support meant the world to me. Sadly he passed away within six months of my surgery.
Molar pregnancy is not easy. I have healed and I’m thankful to say that I no longer require blood tests and I’m clear of cancer. We named our little one just as we named our first two little babies we lost to miscarriage.
We decided on the name River.
It represents to us the journey we travelled, at times tumultuous and yet eventually at peace.
River is also the name of a couple of our favourite characters from Firefly and Doctor Who – yes we are geeks to the core.
I can’t believe I’ve been on this journey sometimes. It seems like it happened to someone else and not myself. Part of me still grieves our three children in heaven and always will.
I am so thankful for our beautiful living children and so thankful to have them to cuddle when struck by memories of what we have lost.
Alison is a mother as well as a foster parent. She is qualified as a babywearing consultant, post-natal fitness instructor, and counsellor. She is passionate about the arts, often performing in local stage shows as well as teaching musical theatre and singing to children. She lives in a small town at the top of the South Island of New Zealand.
