SO HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MANAGE OUR GUILT?
Do we pretend it isn’t there? Do we bury it? Or do we look it square in the eye and face the pain of it, allowing it to move us towards our best selves?
I believe that suppressing my guilt – along with any of my other unsavoury emotions – is counter-productive. Chronic attempts to block out my “shadow side” (as Jung terms it) can lead to the sort of trouble mentioned above with the defended heart. At some point we need to acknowledge that we are both our shadow and our light. None of us can carry sickly sweet “nice-ness” every moment of every day, and nor would it be healthy to. If I were to repress some of my “darker” emotions, I would not be a whole person. My tears are what give me the compassion to care about what’s not working in my child’s life. My anger is what gives me the ability to fight for my child’s needs. My anxiety is what drives me to protect my child from harm. The important thing with big and dark emotions is to keep them out of the parenting arena. Our children are not equipped to bear them. Process these emotions elsewhere safely with a counsellor, a punch bag, a date with your spouse or a trip to the gym.
My tears are what give me the compassion to care about what’s not working in my child’s life. My anger is what gives me the ability to fight for my child’s needs. My anxiety is what drives me to protect my child from harm.
Guilt, regret and remorse are all vulnerable emotions and we need to be able to feel and process these emotions in order to find our way out the other side of them. When we allow ourselves to plumb the depths of our guilt, we find underneath it is a lot of hurt. Psychologist Robin Grille says, “The hard fact is that every parent will sometimes, without necessarily realising it or intending it, cause their children pain.” If we have the courage to look at the hurt we have caused others and find our tears about the wounds we or others have caused, we find that in the wake of those tears comes a “bounce back”. Once we have grieved the painful truth of our situation, an energy comes along in its wake that wants to make it right again, and heaven help anyone who gets in the way of that mamma! She means business and she becomes a powerful force for good.
Psychologist Gordon Neufeld goes so far as to encourage parents to carry their guilt as a kind of “badge of honour”. He says this because parental guilt indicates that we are ready to carry the full weight of our child’s emotional needs. Guilt shows us that we’re ready to step up and be the answer to our child’s cry for help, no matter who or what caused the wounding.
So next time you find yourself wading into the deep waters of parental guilt, what should you do with it? You could try to sweep it away or ignore it, but I suggest, instead, that you take a long, hard look at it in the eye, and if necessary, allow it to change you.
Reference:
Robin Grille, ‘Parent Guilt: A Silent Epidemic – The Natural Child Project’, accessed 30 July 2019, https://www.naturalchild.org/articles/robin_grille/parent_guilt.html.
Adrienne is a presenter, educator and parent consultant. She has a particular interest in youth with complex or challenging behaviour. Drawing on her training with the Neufeld Institute, she seeks to help parents and professionals better understand young people from a relational developmental perspective. Adrienne is a former high school teacher and lecturer in human development and is mother to two adolescents of her own. See www.heartsync.co.nz for more from Adrienne.
