Every time we tell a parent that child-led breastfeeding means no restrictions from the parent at all and the parent must respond to every request for breastfeeding with no limits, we are potentially shutting down older babies breastfeeding for longer. We are perpetuating the myth that breastfeeding means you can’t be a normal person with frustrations and bad days and your own goals and desires.
What might help if you have a Guinness World Record Breaker older nursling at the moment:
1. Just talk to them. Be honest. Say you love breastfeeding, and milkies is special and helps to make them strong and clever but sometimes you need a rest. Just a short one. Milkies will be along again soon. You don’t have to stretch the truth and create some biological excuse. You don’t have to pretend they need time to make more milk. It’s just OK to say how you feel. I have met parents of 3- and 4-year-olds who are struggling and will do everything (including putting band-aids on nipples) rather than just try and share how they feel.
We can admit to being tired. We can admit to needing to concentrate on something else.
2. Some of this is about them looking to control their world but the world feels out of control. Their speech is developing and their understanding of communication. They ask for a breastfeed and it happens and that’s magic. What else may fulfill that desire? Can they ‘ask for a book’? It’s sometimes said that reading a book together is more like breastfeeding for a toddler than most other activities. If you can’t read at that moment, make a booking waiting room. They can pile up the books they want you to read next, in the order they want them. Or what about a toy waiting room? Or some cards with pictures on that show favourite activities and there is a board where they can stick up the next request?
3. They may be thirsty. Do they have a cup station they can reach and use independently?
4. If you are working from home, they are not used to it.
They are not used to you being home and not getting more of your focus. This feels weird.
What short activities give you 15-minute bursts of being able to work? In an office, we regularly take short breaks to grab tea, talk to a colleague, even just pick up your phone and scroll. It’s OK for focused work at home to only be in relatively short bursts. Use a timer to show them time passing. The app ‘Forest – stay focused’ allows you to plant a cyber-tree which then gradually grows over the time you have set in advance. The shoot appears, the leaves develop and the tree gradually gets bigger and bigger. At the end of whatever time you have set, you will have a fully grown tree to add to your virtual forest. They can come back and check on your device to see how the tree is growing. Is the tree fully-grown so now it’s time for a breastfeed? Or a chance to read a book? Plant a forest together made from patience.
5. Grant a breastfeed but on your own terms. It can only be ‘count to 10’ (count slowly or quickly depending on how you are feeling). Or an older child can ‘buy’ a breastfeeding by trading a bracelet or a toy. “Here are 5 plastic spoons/ coins/ dinosaurs. We’re going to play milkies shop. When you want a breastfeed, you can buy one. But you’ve only got 5 until lunchtime/ dinnertime/ I finish this piece of work.”
It’s amazing how long they will hang onto the last one. They feel in control knowing it’s in reserve. It’s still their choice when to ‘spend’ it.
If you have any other ideas that have worked for you, please feel free to share them in the comments below. You may have a strategy for dealing with a #stayathome nursling that will change someone else’s life.
This is not easy. And it’s OK to need some help. It’s OK to want to set some limits. Parenting a young child at the moment, when we are all stuck at home, is not easy for anyone and just because you are breastfeeding, it doesn’t mean you are immune from that. You don’t have to be the ‘perfect’ parent who constantly puts yourself second. Finding compromises, strategies and sometimes saying, ‘not right now’ is healthy for both of you.
Originally published here.
After a career as a Deputy Headteacher in central London, Emma initially trained with UK charity Association of Breastfeeding Mothers, qualifying as a breastfeeding counsellor with them in 2007. She qualified as a Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) in 2011. She recertified in 2016 and continues to offer voluntary support at groups across West Haringey and volunteers on the National Breastfeeding Helpline and ABM national helpline alongside her private lactation consultant work. You can find her on Twitter as @makesmilk. Her book, “You’ve Got It In You: a positive guide to breastfeeding” can be found on Amazon and from other retailers.
