I will confess my practice of deep listening has slipped a bit. I have been busy, distracted, and a bit nervous about the end of the school and year and beginning of summer, and the deep listening often goes out the window in times of stress. Which ironically is exactly when I need it most!
So I consider the invitation to deep listening a gift, a reminder, an opportunity to begin again. How is your practice of deep listening to your kids? Is it time to begin again or recommit to deeply listening to them? Even when you are distracted? Stressed? Even when you don’t like what they have to say? Or are you uncomfortable with their big emotions?
Let me be clear, deep listening doesn’t mean you automatically give in to what they want or demand, it doesn’t mean you like what they say or even agree with their opinion.
Deep listening just means you listen to ease the suffering.
Nhat Hanh says, “If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.”
I love this so much. We can always revisit the perception, style or presentation later. But in that moment, the gift is to help our kids feel heard.
When you are practising deep listening, you can use it as an opportunity to go below the behaviour to the feelings and needs to really understand what is going on!
That is the place where deep connection and cooperation can happen.
Can you improve your deep listening with your kids? Are you willing to work on it? I am really committed to working on this skill in the coming months. Do you want to join me on this quest? I know I am not alone in this. I am deeply listening and I want to hear you! I dream of raising a generation of kids that feel deeply heard. Can you imagine the problems that could be solved if we all felt heard?
This is an extract from Lisa Smith’s guide to Peaceful Parenting During Uncertain Times
Lisa Smith is a Mum and Parent Coach who knows the joy of transformation, but really, she helps turn frustrated parents – who regularly default to yelling, threatening and punishing – into peaceful leaders within their households. As a former dominant parent, she found the path to Peaceful Parenting and is dedicated to helping other parents find their way too!
When she’s not coaching, you’ll most likely find her at a basketball game rooting on her son or travelling somewhere new. She is obsessed with cross-fit, personal development and romance novels. You’ll almost always find her with a Starbucks iced green tea in her hand.
