The best that I can do is be more present, be more mindful of our time together, choose connecting over busyness, choose to play instead of work, choose to stop what I’m doing when he says that he wants to sit on my lap.
As I looked at him, I could barely remember what he was like as a little baby; as a 2 year old; or even a 3 year old. I could remember specific memories, but all that had passed was as if it was a different person in a different life. He was 5.5 now. He looked like a big kid. He was intelligent, curious, fast, and artistic. He was growing up and there was no way to stop it. I sat and hoped that these past 5.5 years were special to him; they were all he had experienced so far. I hoped that they were special even though neither of us remembered every detail. I worry that in five years I won’t remember what he was like at five. That I won’t remember that last nursing session or the thousands that preceded it.
I want time to stand still at times so that I can remember every detail of every moment, but we all know that isn’t possible. The best that I can do is be more present, be more mindful of our time together, choose connecting over busyness, choose to play instead of work, choose to stop what I’m doing when he says that he wants to sit on my lap. I try to remember that growing up isn’t a tragedy; it is the point, but knowing that fact doesn’t make these endings and new beginnings any less painful, any less bittersweet. I love him. I love that I found a support group and followed my heart and let him lead.
As vulnerable as I feel right now, I offer you my story because I want you to find support and courage too. I want you to know you are not alone, not an outcast, not on the fringes. I am just one of many mamas who follow the lead of our children in breastfeeding, in growing up.
I add my voice in the hopes it helps you on the same journey. Our stories connect us, the more we share them the more understanding we will find in the world and the stronger we are.
I breastfed my son until he was 5.5 years old and it was beautiful. It was natural. It was authentic. It was normal.
I would love to hear your stories and see your photos of nursing your not-so-tiny babies!
Sam Milam is a freelance writer, advocate for children, and unschooling parent. She has been published online and in print. She is a kombucha-drinking mother of 2 from the Pacific Northwest who loves her Attachment Parenting and intentional living blog: Pocketful of Pebbles. She believes that united voices for social justice can have a great impact.
I am so deeply touched by your story. My heart is full right now. My baby girl is almost a year and breastfeeding has been and still is the most remarkable gift besides my baby herself. I look forward to the years ahead 🙂
I am sitting with my eyes streaming. My little boy is 4.5 and I know I will miss our nursing so much when it finally stops. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel very alone at times for breastfeeding for so long.
Sad here blubbing while my son plays. He’s recently turned to and I keep hoping he will wean naturally soon because I’m back at work and I’m training for a race, but I don’t think he will. I know I’ll miss it so much so I’m not doing anything to encourage it yet!
*turned two
I’m currently weaning my almost 3 year old. I have been nursing for ten straight years, four boys. I’m having such a hard time letting go, but I know it’s time for my body and for my boy. I am grieving the end of their breastfeeding years. This is so beautifully written and I can relate in so many ways.
Thank you for your beautiful story. I am still breastfeeding my 3.5 year old son but he is slowly weaning himself, he hasn’t been asking for much, as much recently and it is making me very sad. I am grieving.
Thank you so much for this beautiful story. I am currently nursing a three year old and I have been feeling a lot of social pressure to wean her. We just have mommy milk at nap time and bed time now and I do feel like we will be tapering down soon but I have been feeling so much emotion over it and had no idea that weaning would be this hard. She is my first and only child and I am pretty sure I won’t be having any more so this will be the end of nursing for me forever… it feels so final… like thinking about your last meal or the last time you kiss your partner…. it is so strange to contemplate. I cried big tears at your description of your last time nursing your son… it was beautiful and heartbreaking and perfect. Thank you for your voice and your powerful story.
Wow thank you for sharing! My son is almost 5 and we are down to sleep time and random times and times of great upset now. I have felt totally alone but I feel like this is the best thing I could have done for him especially how crazy this world has been last couple years. I really appreciate you sharing. I don’t know anyone else around me in this town up here in Canada but in a way I don’t care – I stuck to what I felt was best and we are doing great. Really good to know there are other women who followed their instincts!