7. Listen more, so your child can sort out solutions.
Resist the urge to tell your child how to solve the problem, unless you helped create it. Instead, listen and ask questions.
As your child vents, she’ll begin to calm down. That’s when she may think of some solutions. They may be terrific: “Can I walk to school with Emily on the first day of first grade?”
Or her ideas may be not so terrific: “I don’t need to go to first grade … I’ll just stay home!”
Your response? “Hmm… what might happen then?”
She might realise that her idea isn’t so great and redirect herself. Or you might have to set a limit: “I hear you’d rather stay home …. first grade feels scary to you right now … Let’s think of some other ideas that might help …. What else could we do?”
It’s fine to offer ideas, but manage your own anxiety so you don’t steam-roll your child. This problem-solving process is how she builds confidence and competence.
Resist the urge to tell your child how to solve the problem, unless you helped create it. Instead, listen and ask questions.
8. Later, help him reflect on what happened.
This develops emotional intelligence, by laying down neural circuits in the brain that allow your child to better manage his emotions. But stay away from shame and blame, or your child will never want to talk with you. Kids don’t learn from lectures, either.
And definitely don’t make your hurt feelings her problem — that’s giving her way too much power. Your goal is not to get her to take care of your feelings — that’s your job. Your goal is to help her see her effect here, so she can learn how to work through conflicts with another person constructively. You do that by helping her reflect on how all that emotional drama unfolded.
So summon up your compassion and sense of humour, and offer a gentle conversation opener: “I’ve been working hard to stay calm lately …. But it wasn’t easy for me to stay calm when you were so upset today … At first I felt attacked and hurt by your words and your tone … Then I saw all those big feelings and I realised you were very upset, and that’s why you spoke to me that way. I’m so glad you told me about…”
Notice that you haven’t scolded or demanded an apology. That just creates defensiveness. If, instead, you state your own experience and help him explore his, he’ll have the empowering opportunity to see how he affects others. And you may be surprised to see him offer a heartfelt apology, a thank you, or an “I love you!”
What if she doesn’t? That might mean she’s still upset, or it might mean she has some old upsets stored away from the past, that are still making her push you away. Remind her that you’re always there to listen when she feels upset. She never needs to yell to get her point across. Ask her what you could do to be helpful next time she’s upset. Is there anything you could do differently to help her? If you’re sincere when you ask this, and really listen to the answer, you may be surprised by what you learn.
Ask her what you could do to be helpful next time she’s upset. Is there anything you could do differently to help her?
At that point, the two of you should be feeling very close. It’s fine to ask her whether there’s anything she could do differently in expressing her upset, so she doesn’t hurt other people’s feelings. But again, don’t lecture or shame. Just be matter of fact. Whatever she says is fine — she is definitely going to be thinking about this, because you’ve resisted putting her on the defensive, and she feels your emotional generosity. Then give her a hug and change the subject to something that gets you both laughing, to dispel any lingering tension.
Yes, this takes much more work than sending your child to her room. But as you repeat this process throughout her childhood, your child learns emotional intelligence, empathy and problem-solving skills. You deepen your relationship with her.
Over time, your child realis es that she doesn’t have to yell to be heard and get her needs met. And the surprise bonus? So do you!
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
