5. Empathise. Once children are no longer always on our laps or in our presence, it can get more challenging to stay connected. But every time your child expresses anything, that’s an opportunity to connect. Just empathise:
- “I hear you! You wish…”
- “It’s exciting, isn’t it?!”
- “You sound disappointed.”
When you welcome your child’s emotions, you’re giving him the help he needs to learn to manage them: “You’re sad that you can’t stay up with the big kids. It’s OK to cry. It’s hard to have to go to bed when other kids are still up. Let’s read an extra book tonight so we can snuggle longer and help you feel better.”
6. Help your child learn to manage her challenges without negative labelling. How? Describe that you’ve noticed this wonderful thing about her, but sometimes the flip side of this trait can be a challenge to live with — both for her and other people. Ask her if she has ideas about how to manage it so she gets the benefits but not the drawbacks. If you (or her other parent) have the same trait, point that out and talk about learning to manage it. Every one of us needs to work to develop the skills to manage ourselves. Make your story positive and hopeful. That will help her to feel less alone, and more optimistic about handling what may seem like a daunting challenge. Be sure to make it clear that everyone changes, and that as we grow up, our brains grow too, so it gets easier to manage ourselves.
When you welcome your child’s emotions, you’re giving him the help he needs to learn to manage them.
7. Remember that most of what upsets parents is developmentally normal. They act like children because they are children. That doesn’t mean they’ll grow up to be criminals. Kids need to know that they don’t make mistakes because they’re bad, but because they’re human, and, in many cases, because they’re children: “I know you didn’t mean to yell at your friend when you got upset. You’ve been working hard not to lose your temper. I had a hard time managing my temper when I was eight, too. It will get easier as you get older. Let’s practise some techniques to calm down when we get mad.”
8. Own your reactions. Sometimes we think it’s self-evident that our child should change. But what bothers one parent might not bother another. A high energy kid might might fit right in with some families but exhaust others. And often, it’s our own stress that makes us over-react. Try expressing your needs as “I” statements rather than criticism: “I see you feel like jumping around right now. I’m tired and a little cranky, and the noise is too much for me. Do you want to go outside and play, or down in the basement to jump on the old mattress?”
9. Look in the mirror. Often what drives us crazy about our child is something that we can’t acknowledge about ourselves. If we think our child is obstinate, we might want to look at who he’s pushing up against. It takes two to have a power struggle. If we think she’s a “drama queen”, is that because we had to stuff our own big feelings when our parents told us to stop over-reacting? If we can stretch ourselves to grow, we often find that our issue with our child melts away.
Often what drives us crazy about our child is something that we can’t acknowledge about ourselves.
10. Remember when you were a child, how vulnerable you were, how much you just wanted someone to see and appreciate you? That’s what your child needs. You play a larger than life role in your child’s psyche. How she hears you talk to her will be her inner voice for the rest of her life.
If you always worry that your child isn’t quite good enough, he’ll always worry, too. But if you can accept him as he is and help him to see himself positively, he’ll be on the road to learning how to manage even the most challenging character traits.
Even more important, he’ll feel cherished for who he is. He’ll have a big heart, able to love deeply and feel loved in return. And that will last for life.
Find the original article here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
