I created a birth preparation app to help women have a positive birth, and here is why…
The Short Story…
As a midwife of 17 years, I felt defeated and disillusioned by the broken maternity system. I felt I was serving women a huge misjustice and I wanted to help them reclaim their right to a positive birth. On a personal level, in the throes of perimenopause, I experienced deep healing through reflection on all my life experiences and achievements to date. I had a stark realisation of what it means to be a woman, having never really considered it before.
I gave birth four times, and I am awesome, and I want all women to have a birth their future selves can look back at with a peaceful and joyous heart.
The Long Story…
Twenty years ago, I was preparing for my midwifery degree interview. I still recall the three most important points I wanted to mention.
First and foremost, midwife means ‘with woman‘. Simple and obvious but it captured the essence of why I wanted to pursue a career in midwifery.
Secondly, a midwife is an ‘autonomous practitioner’, meaning a midwife can provide care for a woman independently and is able to use her professional knowledge and judgement to make decisions with the woman.
The buzz topic at that time, and the third thing I wanted to mention was the Royal College of Midwives’ ongoing campaign – ‘The Big Push for Normal Birth’. Discussing this would provide an opportunity for me to demonstrate my commitment to advocating for women-centred care.
Fast forward twenty years, and the role of the midwife has changed dramatically. Years passed and I went with the flow, shapeshifting and fashioning myself to accept changes, while at the same time trying to be true to myself, my values and my professional integrity – albeit a squeeze at times. Eventually, I no longer felt ‘with woman’. Instead, I felt devoted and committed to my computer and to intervention. I’d developed an unhealthy fetish to ticking boxes.
Autonomous practitioner turned to automatic practitioner – robot like. As a midwife on the postnatal ward, where I spent the final five years of my career, I felt completely disempowered to think for myself and provide individualised care.
The ‘Big Push for Normal Birth’ campaign was scrapped by the RCM in 2017 as it was giving a negative message to women. Midwives were encouraged to no longer refer to any birth as ‘normal’. What did become ‘normal’ for me though, was receiving a handover like this from my colleagues in the delivery suite:
“This is Sally,
It’s her first baby.
She ended up having an emergency c-section,
following a failed forceps in theatre,
following a failed induction at 38 weeks,
for a large baby.
Yes, baby was expected to be above the 90th percentile,
but the wee dote was on the 50th percentile.
Mum’s just so glad it’s all over,
and baby is safe and well,
God love her,
this all started four days ago,
she can hardly keep her eyes open,
baby is a little unsettled,
the wee head looks like it might be sore,
he’s not awfully keen to latch on…
could probably be doing with a top-up.”
Mum’s just so glad it’s all over-and baby is here safe and well.
This sentiment just rings so true and so frequently.
Yes, it was a pity the woman was unnecessarily induced, but at least baby is well, and no harm is done, right?
No questions will be asked regarding poor decisions. No learning outcomes will be identified, and there will be no professional reflection with recommendations for how things can improve, because all is well.
Daily, midwives experience fleeting pangs of helplessness and regret, a flicker of quiet wondering how things got the way they have, a niggling feeling things just aren’t quite right and a fear that things will never change. But then, time to move on to the next task of the day, no time for sentiment.
Mum is exhausted, very busy with a newborn baby and extremely grateful and besotted. As she holds her healthy baby in her arms, she soon forgets she ever even had a birth plan. Her ‘why’s, ‘what if’s and ‘how’s dissolve quietly, never spoken aloud, never heard, because baby is here, and all is well, and everyone is grateful.
I’ve been there, and I know it would just feel wrong to complain – life has just handed you the healthy baby you have always wanted. It doesn’t matter what you had to go through to finally hold them in your arms, right? No harm done, right?
Wrong.
The cascade of events the newly born mother endures can hurtle her into a blurring postpartum frenzy. There are hurdles now, that may otherwise not have been there, from difficulties bonding, to giving up a dream of breastfeeding due to exhaustion, to the risk of developing postnatal depression, to birth trauma, PTSD or even difficulty with relationships.
My faith in my profession began to wane, and I started to wonder if I was doing more harm than good in the practice I felt obliged to deliver. I loved my job and I was good at it, but for years, I felt so torn and confused about the midwifery profession as ultimately, midwifery should be the best job in the world.
I am grateful I have had the privilege to experience midwifery as it can be, where women labour and birth in a truly relaxed environment. For three years, I worked in a stand-alone midwife unit (one of only three in Northern Ireland at that time, and now unfortunately closed for births due to lack of resources).
